My whole class went for the reception together. I wasn't (and still am not) on talking terms with a few of them - some of them were my ex-best-friends.
Most of my classmates are of the kind that cannot handle a professional argument professionally and keep it totally professional, not mixing it with personal stuff. I'm not probably the best person to say this, but still, they've got a lot of growing up to do. So, these few do not talk to me because I did not agree to their terms on a matter of professional importance and had my own reasons to put forth in argument. And they don't talk to me because I was against their ideas (and they think I'm selfish and all, but that's a different story).
Such childish, petulant activities making me feel very much cold and unloved and lonely, I wanted to leave the reception as soon as I could - in spite of the fact that I would be making my friend unhappy. He's always been a good friend to me.
So, I was dining with the rest of the people, when I heard my friend calling my name.
I looked up and looked straight into the face of a very old friend - who, probably, is not even a friend anymore. There's no love lost between us, certainly.
This very old friend was my friend back in my elementary school days. We were together in kindergarten, till fifth grade. And even after that, god bestowed a million opportunities for us to get back together and be really good friends, but somehow, we never made complete use of them.
Like, for instance, I contacted him right after I heard he got the first mark in the state in tenth grade. All I wanted to do was congratulate him - but it didn't turn out to be a pleasant conversation, is all I can say.
And then, who else should be my IIT-Entrance Coaching classmate, but him! But still, we never could meet each other, smile properly at each other or say something of any significance to each other. He was like a total stranger to me back then.
And then the funniest thing happened - we got together in college too! Not the same course, thankfully, but the same college, same campus. And as luck would have it, we were both in the same batch all through our first semester (I remember he called me once - to play a silly prank, and we spoke a little after that). But still, we didn't have anything much to say to each other.
What keeps us apart? We were quite close as kids. And this might sound silly, everyone might think I shouldn't be knowing anything about him at all, but still, I've got a feeling I know the basics of him. The fundamental truths about him, his nature and what he's basically composed of. I know of his competitive streak - it's of an extreme nature. Winning isn't just something he did because it pleased him - it's his obsession. I know how particular he could be about his victories, too - he chooses his playing field with care, and constantly kept himself updated on what his friends were doing - he wants to stay ahead of everyone. He didn't care for style in his clothes - he dresses quite "incongruously", according to my friend. He's quite intelligent, his IQ might even be off the charts, and he lost admission into IIT by about a hair's breadth (don't ask me about my performance).
There was a time, back in school, when I always scored the first mark in class and he always came second. But the competition was quite healthy. We were best friends, and we had a lot of fun playing "Who Comes First This Time?"
Our school was co-ed only till the fifth grade - and then the boys had to move out. I still remember how heartbroken I was that he had to go. I'm sure he would've felt the same way too.
So he left. Somehow I never kept in touch with him. He didn't try either.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my interest in the game. I didn't want to play it anymore. I didn't care for marks (and I still don't). After all, it's a universally known fact that marks aren't a measure of intelligence. They're just numbers, totally meaningless, describing nothing at all.
But he hadn't changed in all those years. His new school was a place where they trained students to act like scholars and become snobbish know-it-alls, looking down upon others. And it fed his ego and his competitive streak.
And then, I called him up after our tenth grade results and he compared our marks in each and every subject. I'd just come school first - but he'd made even that seem quite a shallow victory. But I still wouldn't say he shouldn't have done that. If he hadn't, I'd have wondered. It was in his nature to compare. It just came as a surprise he'd still do that with me.
The extent to which we both had changed hit me with a force that left me dazed for more than hours together. We were both alike in some way, kindred spirits as kids, but as we grew up, we'd both grown so different, so totally unlike what we used to be, so totally... apart.
I couldn't get past these differences when I saw him the next time - I wonder why. I've got friends, a whole lot of them, and I've got megalomaniacs, snobs, nerds and other people who are a lot worse than him. But with him, it was different. I remembered him as a totally different person, and this new entity standing before me just didn't sit well with me.
Well, let's just say, I expected our reunion to be more, say, touching, than just a comparison of marks, and a process of having his ego fed.
Or perhaps, that wasn't his idea at all, but that's how it all appeared to me - and still does.
After many years of keeping silence, of not keeping in touch, he called me up last year. He'd gotten my number from a friend. I thought, how touching, he wants to keep in touch with me. And I spoke and spoke and spoke, and he was very much charming too.
And then came the blow. He wanted me to contest in the college elections, and he'd stay by my side and support me all through. And I agreed, I still wonder why.
In the morning, it all came back to me, and so did my good sense. I might be a million things, but I could not be a good leader to a team I've got no wish to lead.
So I called him up and told him I'd changed my mind.
And then I realized he'd never wanted to keep in touch with me. All he had to say to me was about the elections.
Again silence took over, and we haven't spoken ever since.
But yesterday... When he asked my friend if I'd come and turned to look at me, I didn't know what exactly I felt.
People I'd been close to for the past four years were avoiding me at the wedding reception because of our professional differences, and they'd disappointed me and given me this empty feeling, but this guy whom I don't even feel so comfortable thinking or talking about had to come and ask after me.
A part of me laughed at me for my naive notions. Of course, he was looking for me. Probably he wanted to know if he'd arrived earlier than I had.
I looked into his face and I still don't know how I felt - but it definitely wasn't a bad feeling.
Could I still see the traces of my friend there? The person I so dearly loved, with all my innocent heart? Whose fond memories still make me smile? Is he still in there, somewhere, hiding in that man I don't even know now?
I don't know.
He didn't look at me for more than a second and I didn't look at him for more than a second. We shared a polite, perfunctory smile and turned away. But the warm feeling wouldn't go away.
I'd really like to know what he thinks about me. I'd really like to know if he feels as nostalgic as I do - but then, he's just a guy - guys suck at such sentiments. And add on to it the fact that he's a megalomaniac with an ego the size of a blue whale, and all my warm feeling should get killed.
But no, it just wouldn't go away. I don't know why.
1 comments:
Your feelings are not hinged on w hat he is.. but what you are.. you felt pally becoz.. its in you to be so emotionally romantic about every relation.. not just in sense of "love" but also "friends".. never ever lose that.. or your writing..
you make even simple stuff seem soo interesting :)
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