I'M NOT THERE

No chill wind could make me numb,

You've succeeded already.

No pain could break me faster,

Your words have done that before.

Nothing could ruin me anymore,

You've been there and done that.

So now anything you say will make no difference,

Since I'm not what I used to be;

You've killed the woman and created a monster,

Now deal with it; repent all you can, 

Drown in your regrets all you want,

Because I'm not there.

TIME

He dances this way and that,

Pulling at both her hands,

And forcing her to dance with him.

The merry dance waits for no man.

They do not listen to the band's playing.

Their dance is uncontrolled by the music.

They choose to dance slower or faster,

According to what their insides tell them.

I pause the pendulum in the foolish hope

That the clock would stop;

But time refuses to stand still.

I'D RATHER

I'd rather grow older day by day

And embrace sickness and pain,

Walk bravely forward, 

And meet my tomorrows,

Than look back at the path I've crossed,

Run away scared from evil,

Recall my sorrows,

Wonder what could have been,

Remember my regrets,

Relive my nightmares, 

Be rooted to the spot,

And be chained to my past

Through just a few good memories.

DARKNESS

I close my eyes, afraid of the dark,

And all I see is darkness.

I do not want to sleep, 

For fear the darkness will eat me up.

If I kept my eyes open, 

At least the merciful moon would pity me

And throw some scant light my way

To keep the darkness at bay.

THE MESSAGE

A thousand different ways I try to tell you.

A thousand words are born and dead

By the time our time together comes to a close.

My throat's constricted, my thoughts constipated.

I'm desperately seeking release

To my pent-up emotions, to my untold miseries.

I'm desperately looking for a way 

To express, to let you know, to convey.

And when I'm finally ready to speak,

You say - "We had a great time, didn't we?"

The words die, again,

Their loss a physical pain,

Their rebirth postponed indefinitely.

Will I ever be able to deliver my message?

When will you learn that I don't love you?

HONESTY

I'd rather lie to you pleasantly

Than hurt you like hell.

A thousand untruths I would tell

To make you feel happy.

Only, you'd rather be hurt,

Irreparably so, by me,

Than realize later that you'd been lied to.

AN ENLIGHTENED EUPHORIA*

The fingers have been dancing,

Pressing the black and white in turns;

The sounds have been touching the ears

For quite some time now.

Pages and pages with squiggly notes

Drawn over ten horizontal lines

Have been torn and thrown away.

But nothing seems to dive deep within,

Right into the heart.

Nothing moves.

Nothing touches. 

Nothing enlightens.

Nothing makes sense.

Nothing sheds light.

Nothing creates realization.

The pages remain blank,

The keys undisturbed.

The lid is now closed.
Silence pervades. 
Silence takes over all.

Silence manipulates all.

Silence rules over all.

Silence dominates all.

Silence dictates all.

Silence becomes all.

Silence gives meaning

To life, to love, to everything.

Silence enlightens.

I am euphoric.

Music ebbs and flows around me,

Because silence is music.

If the silence conveys

A deeper, thorougher message,

Then I'd rather welcome her into my life,

Than live through the cacophony.

*Actually the name of a great tune composed by Nathan Johnson.

I WONDER

Fade away, dream,

Spoil me not for real life.

Go away, wishes,

You cause the illusions I don't need.

Don't come back, visions,

You make the truth look dull.

Your presence tortures, 

But your absence kills.

Which is better, I wonder?

Agony till my dying day,

Or death this very moment?

If I chose to suffer, I'd at least be living.

If I chose to die, I'd be here still -

But I would cease making sense.

No more songs, no more words.

I'd exist, but no longer live.

Who is to blame, then?

THE ESCAPIST

As a kid, I spent my time

Counting stars, writing rhymes,

Making friends, there was no end

To my smile.

As a kid, I walked by,

Happy and laughing, no goodbyes,

I didn't know pain, there was no stain

On my joy.

Growing up is not my cup of tea,

I'd rather stay little, why just me?

I'd rather make rhymes, all the time,

And not be fettered, just be free.

As a kid, I had time,

To have some fun, it was no crime

To laugh aloud, there was no dark cloud

Upon my head.

As a kid, I jumped up,

Life was fun, it wasn't tough,

Defying gravity, taking it easily,

Life was good.

Growing up is not my cup of tea,

I'd rather stay this way, let me be!

I'd rather sing, than feel the sting

Of troubles, pain and sorrow.

I'd rather live in my own dreams, 

When life's coming apart at the seams,

I'd rather not fall down into the mud;

Fall down from the skies, down with a thud. 

As a kid, I slept on,

Into the morning, the sun kept dawning

Everyday, just like always,

It wasn't dark.

As a kid, I lived my life

With no regrets; no cruel, sharp knife,

Driving into my heart, no unerring darts

Giving me pain.

Waking up is not what I like to do,

I'd rather keep dreaming on, than wake up soon,

And face the music; it just makes me sick,

The whole routine, the way life has been.

Growing up is not a piece of cake,

It's a decision to make, a huge step to take.

I'd rather be an escapist, though it's cowardice

To miss the present, and fear tomorrow.

THE GAP

You say there's a rift

Between you and me;

Your mind starts to drift

When I'm talking to you.

Our eyes don't meet;

The sight of me is unpalatable.

And you prefer to eat

Alone; you don't want me.

Life's just not the same.

You say I've changed.

It's always me to blame;

Doesn't matter if you sleep around.

The distance could be immense.

You and I could be miles apart.

But it's never the distance

That eats up my words.

KODAIKANAL FLOWERS

I had a lovely holiday for a week at Kodaikanal. I spent a grand time, most of it fiddling with my mom's phone - it's got a 1.3 megapixel camera which I just couldn't ignore. 

Here's the result of my fiddling - many photos of flowers in various silly angles.

True, I'm no photographer, but couldn't help capturing these flowers on camera.

MY RAINY MORNINGS

Rain.

Huge, heavy drops, instead of the usual teasing, slim ones that's the only kind of rain we see in our city, even during the rainy season. And it's summer. And they were falling on me.

Not that I'm unhappy about the situation.

'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'... 

I smile to myself.

I like how the rain washes everything clean. The whole picture from the window of my bus looks more... high resolution. High definition. Much better. Was it blurred before? Unclear? Fuzzy? Somehow everything looks sharper now. Green looks greener, red looks redder, blue looks bluer... You get the idea.

It's a long walk in the rain. I try to keep my umbrella open above my head, but the wind keeps turning it up. All I wanted was some protection from the rain, but what am I getting? A water storage device.

The same bunch of boring backsides.

I can't believe I'm actually following a bunch of boring bums to work everyday. 

The girl with those stupid braids? She does nothing else with her beautiful long hair. And the guy with all the dandruff? He seems to do nothing about it. Sad, because, apparently, he loves wearing black shirts. The tall, thin girl with her swaying, rhythmic walk? I bet she'd walk that way even if her heel broke or if she had a sprain - except she'd be wincing with each step. The stout girl runs her hand through her hair when she reached that arch at the entrance of the building. Every single day.

Same hairstyles. Same style of walking. Same mannerisms.

Same bunch of boring backsides. 

And I'm following the whole lot of them.  

I wonder what my backside would look like to whoever is following me. Would they find me boring too?

I turn and look, not much consciously. 

The guy who went to training with me. He's walking a short distance behind me. I sorta like him, he's handsome. 

I walk with a bit more sway, a more girlish kind of walk - like I read in that magazine the other day. Wonder if he's watching?

I hear someone talking. "What a rat!" I could guess they were talking about their boss. 

"She's a bitch!" This must be about the supervisor. 

Where the hell are the fuckin' humans, really?

I get a message on my phone. 

It's from Mum.

I dial her number and tell her I've reached here. It's not as if she thinks I'm going elsewhere. Or wonders if the bus is unsafe. No, she just wants to know when I reach here.

We discuss breakfast, work, the day ahead of me, my life, etc in that two-minute call.

I really appreciate how Mum worries for me, but still, it is kinda annoying if I have to take calls all day or keep replying to her text messages. But who'd wanna offend her? I love her, I won't tell her how annoyed I actually am about everything.

The guy has caught up with me."Hi. Good Morning."

"When did you leave last night?" I ask. I'm kinda obsessed with his spectacles, so I keep my eyes on them. They make him look nerdy and very attractive. At least, to me. My friend thinks he's not all that great.

"1." He smiles boyishly.

"That's today morning," I tell him.

He grins. Aw.

"Would you stop wearing pink shirts? You wear them a lot."

Now, why did I say that? I didn't mean to. I like pink. Pink looks nice on him too. 

OK, now I'm going to get snubbed.

"I've got only two pink shirts and this is only the second time I'm wearing this one."

Aw. 

He didn't say, "Mind your business," though he could have.

OK, he's still smiling. Maybe he likes me. After all, he was the first one to call me up to wish me on my birthday. He called me up at 11.55 PM, and we spoke up to 12:05 AM.

And I guess I should stop drooling all over him.

"I guess I've gotta go, my friend will be waiting..."

He nods sweetly. 

I walk away from him, thinking, Thanks for putting that silly smile on my face, sweetheart. It was a short, useless, stupid conversation, but still I'm smiling, feeling happy inside, because he bothered to catch up with me and wish me a good morning. He needn't have done that, really. Or called me up first on my birthday.

Now my day looks brighter than before. High resolution. High definition. Green looks still greener... You get the idea.

I run to the cafeteria where my friend's waiting for me. We talk about ghost stories (for some reason, we're both fascinated by ghosts and horror stuff, though we're both scared shitless).

I take a quick peek at my watch now and then - no, the conversation's not boring, we're having a splendid time, and I'm actually sad that it'll soon come to a close. I hope she hasn't noticed the time, because I know she has to go and if she doesn't see the time, maybe we can both sit and talk for some more time before we go away to our workstations.

And then she does note the time, and then we have to go. 

Sad. I have to go to my computer. My neighbor's there - the guy who uses the computer next to mine, I mean - he talks to me like I'm a pain, but he treats me better. We share chocolates, anecdotes, potato chips, little jokes, secrets, gossip, stories... Just about everything, I suppose. I know little personal details about him, and he knows little stuff about me, my disappointment, my excitement, everything. He's kinda cute, fair, fragile, little. Delicate good looks.

I check my email. Delete mostly everything everyday. 

I plug my earphones into my ears and I work. 

Favorite game of my team mates and friends? "Scare her to death." They love startling me, I get startled easily. I'm so much into the work and the music, I never notice my friends sneaking up behind me and getting ready for their "Boo!" routine.

I'm done with my notes. Just the daily stuff, nothing special. Let's say I was just practicing my writing all this while. Thanks for reading all this pointless bullshit. Cheers!